Loooooong Over Due

So its been a while. A lot has.
As some know, I dabble in stand-up comedy. I had a really fun rant about Philadelphia Phillies fans and how hopeless they are about their team. I never got a chance to actually perform it. And this past October the Phillies won the World Series, so it's deemed useless. I remembered as much as I could and wrote it down. It won't have the same novelty of me on stage raging and freaking out but it's still worth a read:

Phillies Fans – They’re team could be losing 8-1 and someone would still find hope in it, “At least it wasn’t a shut out.” The score could be 13-0 and some dude would still say somthin like, “At least it wasn’t a no hitter.”
The game could be a shut out, no hitter, down by 30 runs and pouring rain outside. The Fanatic could, for some reason, be ripped apart and spread across the field like jelly on toast, The dug outs could randomly be filled with pop rocks, for some promotional thing, which reacts with the rain and creates an explosion that kills a bunch of the players which magically triggers a candy onslaught making it rain skittles and you think for a moment this is a miracle, but you underestimate the hard tack of skittles as they penetrate the skulls of infants. Which is why you shouldn’t bring a baby to a baseball game! And Britney Spears was suppose to sing the national anthem but she got drunk and too pregnant, while the guy in charge of pyrotechnics (it's his first day) lights the fireworks off early which makes it appear like we’re celebrating this genocide of the modern athlete, and one of the fireworks goes rogue and lights the whole field on fire because... little known fact: the fanatics blood is made of gasoline!!! The whole park is burning down! No one can get out because the escalators aren’t working and God forbid anyone uses the steps in this fuckin town!!! It’s mass hysteria and imminent doom and I swear to Hell somewhere in the stadium a guy will turn to his buddy and say, “At least it’s dollar dog night.”
No! The Phillies are all dead! That's a misfortune and you should Recognize!!!!!!!
Basically, I guess what I’m trying to say is, the Eagles will never win the super bowl.

Move Over Film Criticizer People

Woo Hoo! My first post is a movie critique. Hey-Oh!!! Fours years of film school all leading up to this moment. Bitchin.

So I saw a movie by myself this evening. Don't ask me why I was alone, sometimes we all just find ourself there. The film was a pre-screening, and I hadn't even heard of it before I was given an invite to the screening. It's entitled "Role Models", comedy starring Paul Rudd, Sean William Scott, and Christopher Mintz-Plasse (Or McLovin for those of who didn't realize he's actually a human being and not a muppet). Here's the run down first: Paul Rudd and Sean William Scott are spokesmen for an energy drink and go around telling kids to not do drugs and drink their energy drink instead. They run into some trouble and get sentenced to 150 hrs of mentoring a couple kids. They have their ups and downs with the kids and eventually wind up in a big epic LARPing battle to finalize the story somehow. Naturally.

Ok... This movie doesn't suck. I promise. Just don't go see it. Comedically this IS the movie: Gay joke, sex joke, Random Fellini reference, gay joke, gay sex joke, white guy calls himself white, appropriate Spinal Tap reference, gay joke, McLovin's awkwardness, aaaaaaaand SEX JOKE (just before the credits role).

Nothin too heavy for you kids this time around. If you feel as though you wasted your time by reading a movie critique that told you nothing critical, then you have taken the first step on the long long long journey of understanding a ˆpretentious prick.